The “Real” woman of CL who doesn’t BS. (No really, it’s gotta be a fairy tale.)

Dear lady who wrote the following ad on CL;

Real men randomly do read Craigslist. However, as that we’re familiar with the fact that women posting on it generally do “bs” as you so eloquently put it; we’re opting to ignore your idiotic goading. Remember, the “real man” you claim you want is going to smell the fact that you may be a bit of a bully from miles away. ūüėČ

Also, demanding a picture or you’re going to delete their email and not answer: also BS.

Amusingly not yours…

PS. Never claim to be intelligent when you aren’t exhibiting some spot on use of English. “For real” is not one word, “open- minded” seems to be a little gappy there, and really. Intelligent people *ALWAYS* know that the folks who cry about “no drama” are usually so full of drama it’s overflowing into the surrounding counties. xoxo.

Tradition is dead, are there ‘real’ men who don’t bs on CL – 26 (Norfolk)

“Some of the guys on here are bullshit forreal and like to play games way too much!! To be real honest attraction is a must!! I don’t play games, let me repeat, ‘don’t play games’ and I don’t do drama. I am currently seperated and have a child so if you don’t like kids click back. I just want someone to hang out with, go out with on occasion and see where else it may lead to. I am attractive, intelligent and like to have fun. I’m very open- minded and like to try new things. YOUR PIC GETS MINE, NO PIC NO RESPONSE…”

Advertisements

Sloppy drunk and dance in the streets you say? Sign me up!

I totally thing I’ve found the best idea for a first date, upon reading profiles on a dating site:

Let’s keep it fun::Meet for a drink, get sloppy drunk and dance in the middle of a street somewhere and collect tips from strangers…lol…ok i probably wouldn’t do that but it sounds fun right?? haha..

Actually¬†; this lady presents a brilliant and fun first date. I mean, honestly, if you’re drunk dancing in the streets with a person that this is your first time going out with them, you’re probably going to actually want to see them again because of the ridiculous amount of fun you had.

Someone line¬†up women who think that’s a brilliant idea for me. I think I just found my ultimate criteria.Image

Squirrels don’t hire escorts. At least I don’t think they do.

It never ceases to amaze me, when I read an ad where someone talks about how they want to meet a guy who treats them nice, will take them out on a proper date, and blah blah blah. Honestly ladies, you already know these dudes. When you meet them, you think they’re nice guys and they’re really sweet, but you end up blowing them off (or fail to even take them seriously) for some douchebag that barely remembers your name after hearing 30 people say “HI (insert your name here)!”. Yes, it’s super amazing that he remembers the name of that blonde bimbo at the bar with her rack hanging out who slurred her name out drunkenly. Utterly stupendous.

The other side of this, is that it almost sounds like you’re saying “Spend money on me, peck me on the cheek, and get the hell out of dodge.” As Kayne would tell you; that means you’re a gold digger.¬† No really, it’s true. You’re not setting boundaries (like “Let’s go out and play it by ear.”, so we at least have the impression that there may be something more than a cold and sad peck on the cheek), you’re just outright “Take me out, buy me stuff, then take me home.” Not even the sit in the car and talk looking out at something pleasant, or walking, or something like that.

“I wonder if there is a man out there can take me on a date Without sex being brought up just take me out and show me a good time take me out show me a good time then bring me back home kiss me on my check and say good night Or is all men honestly worry about when they are going to get the next slice of booty I’m shy at first but warm up quickly so if you like to talk put in the title I Take you on a date Photo for a photo God bless”

Clearly, there’s signs here.

¬†1. Clearly, I don’t believe I’d have a preference for just a “slice of booty”. Quite frankly,¬† it’s the whole booty or nothing. Unless you have a cake shaped like your booty, and for some reason want to bring that on a date with you. Then, we’ll have to talk about the type of cake and frosting before I even contemplate the quantity of booty I’d like to have.

2. “Kiss me on the check” …. Seriously? I have to pay for the entire date, PLUS write you a check and kiss it? There’s some serious social issues going on here. Where I come from, this kind of behavior is often referred to as being an “escort”. And let’s admit it, you’re really not the escort caliber here ma’am.

3.¬† “Without sex being brought up and show me a good time” .. So at no point at all is any innuendo at all permissable, else it won’t be considered a “good time”. Come on, even the real high end escorts allow a little verbal innuendo that borders on the end of cerebreal foreplay. Man, I knew I shouldn’t be looking at Craigslist for an escort. Wait.

I should really go back to watching the squirrels have their romance outside my office window. Clearly they have a better understanding of dating and relationships.

As seen on Craigslist…

I really wonder what people are thinking when they write ads. Are they trying to be really funny, making an attempt to be interesting, or are they really as… hm… “special” as they seem to be? It scares me really, being a single white male (and single parent) hoping to find someone to grow old with and move the remote control from where they left it last as the Alzheimer’s sets in.

Wanna play Cops and Robbers?”

“I want to date a cop, only thing I wanna steel is his heart. If you’re a cop or have a uniform…send a picture. No pic, no reply.”

This is where I have to stop and ask myself. Would a cop actually want a woman who apparently wants to run a sword through him? That’s what steeling his heart means right? ¬†This whole cop or have a uniform part also.. I’m not a cop, but I have various uniforms. I could probably get my hands on a pizza delivery driver’s uniform too, or was there a specific uniform requirement? Show up as a plumber and offer to unclog your pipes? I mean, since you’re obviously a classy woman after all. Steeling things and whatnot.

Pipe banger¬†¬†I see you eyeballin’ how big my plunger is.

“Starting to wonder if I should stay single?

“Tired of meeting guys who say they don’t do drama but then I find out different, I am looking for a working, loyal, romantic, drama free MAN, I like sports, some movies, cuddling on the couch or just riding out with no destination enjoying the sites ”

Short answer, yes. Women and men alike know that in general, anyone who says they don’t do drama, usually generate an¬†exorbitant¬†amount of it. Which, I’m gonna draw a parallel to people who insist on telling me that unicorns don’t exist. While they keep telling me that they don’t, you can be sure if they saw a shiny magical unicorn meandering past, they’d sure stop and try to get a look at it. Which, is just like folks who “don’t do drama”. It seems no matter how much you say you’ll have nothing to do with it, when it’s present you’re going to throw yourself at it.

I am both drama and a unicorn! Fear me!

 

With this lovely image to tide you over, I’ll skip commentary on some guy in his 50’s posting looking for “a younger lady, preferably 20-30 years younger”. Really Gramps, knock that off. It’s kinda disgusting, all the hair and wrinkles in weird places. Just stop.

“Attractive Lady” … Say what?

(Ad from CL. I must need glasses or something. Not to be a catty bitch, but seriously?)

I am a attractive 46 year old Lady that is seeking fwb
No head games/no liars!
Looking for-
White man for fwb/nothing serious/must be 50-60 yrs.old/divorced/single or widowed
NO MARRIED MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Serious replies only please
I’m no barbie/lots to love and appreciate!

No wonder women lose hope for decent guys.

So despite my last commentary being about how the ladies are advertising for that prospective mate online, I decided it’d probably be more fun to go after some of these ads by the men. I admit it. When it comes to selling ourselves, we’re really not good at it at all. Honestly, we’re men. We can ruin a sure deal even after one of you women tell us “Just shut up for the rest of the night, and I’ll go home with you”. It’s not a lack of interest or that we’re that spiteful. We’re really just dumb at least 75% of the time. ūüôā With that said, let’s get onto the entertainment du jour.

Yes, yes we are from time to time.

Spelling….

Seriously, it’s important. It’s wonderful that you believe yourself to be Thugnificient, but unless you’re intending on attracting a woman who doesn’t really care about actually, oh, using English or actually being able to communicate how she feels, your lack of effort isn’t going to win any hearts. I don’t even have to give examples of this. If you’re looking for a woman to get to know, remind yourself that WOMAN is singular. Women, is plural. Don’t be a moron and say “I’m looking for a women to wine and dine”. Either you’re a polygamist, or you’re just dumb. Yes, they DO notice this slip up. Unless you’re some super hot looking guy, and well. They’re not chasing after you for your amazing intelligence buddy boy, you’ll get away with it for a while before they finally get tired of those text messages that say Your on my mind today baby.

I’d also like to combine PUNCTUATION into spelling. If you type in one long run on sentence, it can only be assumed you talk like that. Not sexy. Kind of annoying really. I know a few people like that, and I sometimes think about shooting them in the face. I can only imagine how a woman would feel. ¬† Oh, hi. You’d like to get into my pants for the next few years on a regular basis? That’s awesome, but do you plan on talking nonstop for the duration, because I really don’t think I’m going to be able to get an orgasm if you can’t shut up.

Attitude…

There’s a serious. Serious. SERIOUS error in judgement us dudes make, where we mistake the concepts of “confidence” with being a douchebag. It’s really true. Women dig¬†a guy with a confident swagger. They don’t really want to be with a man who doubts himself or has the¬†authoritative¬†qualities of a dead fish. At the same time, however, that doesn’t say it’s okay for you to be an obnoxious idiot and act like they should be grateful they’ve been given the time of day. That includes providing a critical critique of “other dudes that have been in their life” or trying to be snarky and cut them down because you’re not meeting their standards. That INCLUDES the ad you write. This example I give, completely encapsulates this angle. Granted, some women with low self esteem and have trouble standing up for themselves would probably throw themselves at a guy with this kind of bad attitude; but a woman with some self respect may try to run you down 5 minutes after meeting you. (Also, it makes you look like you’re repulsive, since why else would someone turn away such a prize catch? *scoffs*)

“Do you have any idea how many real, good guys have been turned away because they are never given a chance? Most of you are saying you want someone to treat you right, care for you, love you, all the good stuff…but when someone comes along that would probably do all that, you turn him down because hes “not your type”…most women dream of winding up with brad pitt or denzel or some super hott model dude like that…thats all well and good…but does looking like that mean hes going to “treat you right, care for you, etc”? No it doesnt. Mix it up, give the average everyday guy a chance, you might be amazed. Hell, if you are lucky you might find that perfect sensitive gorgeous guy that has it all…but odds are against it. Having a “dream guy” that is nothing but a face to look at is just like having a ferrari without an engine, its great to look at, but what the hell can it do? Girls don’t want to settle for anything less than perfect….guys are the same way….vanity is screwing up the world! Open your eyes, interact with ANYONE and EVERYONE that puts the effort out to approach and talk to you without bias, and you could be in for the time of your life. You truely have nothing to lose. If you have an open mind, and are really willing to take a chance and get to know the person, then please send me a message.”

Dude, if I were a woman, I would start a campaign to tell every woman I can get in touch with to avoid you. If we were to make you the ruler of an empire, you’d be hailed as Emperor Douche, of the land of Bag.

Pictures?

Pictures are always good. The ladies kind of enjoy getting to see what the wrapping around your brain pan looks like. Granted, they are a bit visual, so it helps a majority of the ladies. Do you really think that picture of you in the bathroom flexing with no shirt on is going to have them flood your inbox? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some women are into guys with bird chests. Twee twee son, and chirp loud. Just save that for the second or third email where you’ve asked her to send you nudes apparently. Remember, give them something to imagine. Nothing says mystery and possible excitement like CLOTHES. Now, even though I’ve said it’s okay to keep your clothes on in your pictures, that doesn’t mean wear that button down short sleeve shirt that has some scene from Dragonball Z in all it’s technicolor glory. Find your balance between whimsical and adult; just don’t dive straight into “Yo, I’m down with Pokemon girl, you wanna be my Wartortle?” … I’m pretty sure unless you’re hitting on 15 year old girls, that may not work out too well. ¬†Lastly, refrain from posting pictures of animals, flowers, something “classy” that’s not you, or yourself making a dumbass face (refer to Red above on this one, dumbass). I know you’re dying for examples, dear reader. In fact, mouse over the picture for the “What’s wrong here” assessment.

Like Bowie said; Happiness is happening, the dragons have been bled.¬†Gentleness is everywhere, fear’s just in your head.

Stop being something you’re not, be happy, and don’t be afraid to be yourself.