Squirrels don’t hire escorts. At least I don’t think they do.

It never ceases to amaze me, when I read an ad where someone talks about how they want to meet a guy who treats them nice, will take them out on a proper date, and blah blah blah. Honestly ladies, you already know these dudes. When you meet them, you think they’re nice guys and they’re really sweet, but you end up blowing them off (or fail to even take them seriously) for some douchebag that barely remembers your name after hearing 30 people say “HI (insert your name here)!”. Yes, it’s super amazing that he remembers the name of that blonde bimbo at the bar with her rack hanging out who slurred her name out drunkenly. Utterly stupendous.

The other side of this, is that it almost sounds like you’re saying “Spend money on me, peck me on the cheek, and get the hell out of dodge.” As Kayne would tell you; that means you’re a gold digger.  No really, it’s true. You’re not setting boundaries (like “Let’s go out and play it by ear.”, so we at least have the impression that there may be something more than a cold and sad peck on the cheek), you’re just outright “Take me out, buy me stuff, then take me home.” Not even the sit in the car and talk looking out at something pleasant, or walking, or something like that.

“I wonder if there is a man out there can take me on a date Without sex being brought up just take me out and show me a good time take me out show me a good time then bring me back home kiss me on my check and say good night Or is all men honestly worry about when they are going to get the next slice of booty I’m shy at first but warm up quickly so if you like to talk put in the title I Take you on a date Photo for a photo God bless”

Clearly, there’s signs here.

 1. Clearly, I don’t believe I’d have a preference for just a “slice of booty”. Quite frankly,  it’s the whole booty or nothing. Unless you have a cake shaped like your booty, and for some reason want to bring that on a date with you. Then, we’ll have to talk about the type of cake and frosting before I even contemplate the quantity of booty I’d like to have.

2. “Kiss me on the check” …. Seriously? I have to pay for the entire date, PLUS write you a check and kiss it? There’s some serious social issues going on here. Where I come from, this kind of behavior is often referred to as being an “escort”. And let’s admit it, you’re really not the escort caliber here ma’am.

3.  “Without sex being brought up and show me a good time” .. So at no point at all is any innuendo at all permissable, else it won’t be considered a “good time”. Come on, even the real high end escorts allow a little verbal innuendo that borders on the end of cerebreal foreplay. Man, I knew I shouldn’t be looking at Craigslist for an escort. Wait.

I should really go back to watching the squirrels have their romance outside my office window. Clearly they have a better understanding of dating and relationships.

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