Craigslist makes me want to stab my eyeballs out.

So, I’ve been trying to work through this blockage that came after I wrote this super amazing intro to a submitted piece about Craigslist (hereafter infrequently referred to as CL) ads for a local online slash monthly print publication by reading a lot of personal ads. I swear I’m on like number 500 in the past month, and I really feel an absolute lack of hope for some of these ladies. That’s despite the fact that I know there’s literally TONS of single guys out there who apparently aren’t trolling Craigslist for a meaningful relationship. So I figured I needed to do an analysis of these ads and why they fail in my mind.

Ads that include the words “which will hopefully turn into more”

Hi. I don’t know if you’re actually aware of this, or just maybe confused how it works, but you’re posting in W4M. There are sections for Platonic Relationships, and “Casual Encounters” on here too, so you don’t actually have to elucidate that you’re looking to meet someone that will “hopefully turn into more”. I already made that assumption. It actually makes you look a little needy now that I think about it. Am I going to have to tell you that the skirt you’re wearing out to dinner with me doesn’t make your butt look huge? Because I’m totally not that guy. I may instead break out with Sir Mix-A-Lot and begin to inform you that I like them “real big and juicy”. How’s that to start a date off? “Gimme a piece of dat bubble, girl!” Yea, I didn’t think so either.

One liners, as in, your entire ad is one line.

I know that it’s a common misconception that us menfolk who read things on the internet have a short attention span. We really don’t, but things that are unnecessarily boring make us click the back button quickly. It’s true. I’m even going to give the class an example of one of these “one line” fails.

“I want a man that has nothing to hide and who is looking for a ltr….please send a pic or no email back….please be old fashion and know how to treat a lady ” 

This is a straight copy/paste from the ad. We all can already tell that the English usage here killed me. Let’s move past that though. This is a single, solitary line across the screen when viewed on CL. It kind of depresses me to read it, to be honest about it. It makes me feel bored. Literally bored. Like I’m thinking about taking up cross stitch after reading your ad, because I’m *THAT* bored afterwards. You didn’t tell me anything at all about yourself that will even make me think about replying to you. I’m to assume by this lack of information about you, that you hate music, you probably dislike going to the movies, your book reading is limited to whatever’s in the checkout aisle at the grocery store, and that’s even if you like food. You probably don’t do you? You chew on cardboard or something. Ugh. Dullllllllll. Next time, save me the energy expended by clicking and WRITE something about yourself. Even if it’s just “I like the color yellow”. I’d have to stop and go “wow, that’s kind of interesting that she put that out there. Yellow. Hm.”. I might even e-mail you about that just because it stood out.

Ad titles are the primary reason any guy will click to read your ad.

Unless he’s me, and he’s into a lot of really painful mental self punishment, a guy isn’t going to click on your ad unless you’ve got an interesting ad title. While your title may sound “to the point”, think about how it’s worded. Here’s an example:

Professional BBW seeking Love

I know what you’re thinking.. It’s not that bad. I’d agree, except when I read it, it read as “Professional BBW, seeking love”. How on earth does one become a professional BBW? Is it healthy to be one, or does it just kind of happen? Oh. Wait. You meant you’re in a professional career and you’re throwing out right off the top that you’re a BBW? Whew. I was concerned for a minute. It’s not really that interesting now that I’ve clicked past it. I know the initial instinct is to put it out there right off the top, but avoid that. “Professional fun lady seeking love and more” may just get a little more mileage out of your need to let me know that you ARE a professional (at something) (lord knows what) (I’m not going to wake up in a ditch again am I? Oh God no.).

Demanding a picture first when you didn’t post one to start with.

Seriously? Are you on drugs? You posted this ad, I clicked it and decided that I wanted to step out and respond to it, and you demand that I send a picture with my reply to your ad or you’ll ignore it? Wow. Maybe I just shouldn’t respond to your ad period, since I mean, there’s obviously some sort of issue here. What if you like my picture and I don’t like what I get back? It all comes down to, if you want me to send you a picture when I reply to your ad, you should post one. There’s no point in playing this coy “Oh, my co-workers might see my ad” game. If they did, then you can joke them back for being on CL looking for a woman, right? It totally boils down to that you’re kind of being a b**** if you wrote the ad and you refuse to reply to responses until they send you their picture. No, there’s no excuse. You and Kyle’s mom = big fat b****es. There’s no valid denial here.

I believe I’m going to call this at part one. There’s SOOOOO many other issues with women’s ads, that I don’t think I could do it in one sitting. Don’t worry, I’m cracking on men’s ads afterwards. 😉


One comment on “Craigslist makes me want to stab my eyeballs out.

  1. lissaofdoom says:

    Love this. Robo, you’re amazing. I almost wanna do a counterpoint to it!

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