I started thinking yesterday about what I’m thankful for this year, because it seems like just another day of the week to me.
Not to rehash, because everyone knows the storyline at this point, but. We stopped having Thanksgiving at home after my mom passed in 2010. My sister would invite my dad over, who would take C with him, but I was scheduled to work instead. After my dad passed, my sister just stopped inviting us altogether, as that her husband’s family is more important to her at this point. So, the only family “we” have is C and myself. He’s gone over to someone’s house for dinner with a friend of mine who used to be his babysitter for the past 2 years, so he’s at least getting in the food part of it. I get burritos and Kit-Kats on the way to work instead.
But, all of that helps me figure out what I’m thankful for this year.
- The easy one on this list, is my spawn. He drives me insane often, he doesn’t listen much, and he’s more of a challenge on a daily basis than hacking into the Kremlin is. But he’s my son, and that’s what matters at the end of the day. I haven’t killed him yet, so I’m doing pretty good I think.
- The people who try to make the effort to let me know their door is always open for me. Even though my awkward nature is never going to let me take them up on that, they always offer to let me come and be a part of their family. Knowing that they make that offer reminds me of the old adage that family isn’t always who you share genomes with, but who you chose to share parts of your life with instead. The sad part is that there’s probably really good desserts and good booze that I’m missing out on.
- The life I’ve been lucky enough to lead up to this point. I’ve seen bands and shows that some people dream of seeing. I’ve been places that I wish I could see again, I’ve learned things that helped fuel wanting to learn more, and I’ve felt things that remind me why it’s good to be alive.
- The people who have taught me that the weakest moments in my life aren’t mistakes to be ashamed of, and that there’s a gift that grows from those moments that can help others by sharing it with others. One of the hardest things about being alone (yes, I have a child but that only emphasizes how alone one feels) from mid-November through early January is that it’s hard to stay focused on how great the other 9 months of the year are. Related to this, I’m thankful for people like Dese’rae and Amelia who toe up to the line daily to remind people that they can do it; and to borrow from Des’ website, “live through this”. I am a survivor of multiple suicide attempts, and these two remind me that we can’t be the secret community that only talks about it in the most hushed of tones.
- Related to the above, I’m thankful that over the past year I’ve been able to share my those moments with strangers headed to the bottom of the well and know that opening my mouth has changed them for the better.
- I think the last thing is that I’m thankful for every woman in my life that I’ve ever loved, and been loved by. Granted, I was more than likely pains in your asses, and did my own share of damage by not letting you know that you were the woman I chose to be with daily among other things… But if I never loved another woman again in my life, I’ve already been loved strong enough and deeply enough to last lifetimes. (And I do take some measure of satisfaction of knowing that each of you found the one great love of your life after me. It’s like if I can’t be the greatest thing ever, then being the gateway to greatness isn’t half bad either. 🙂 )
Now that the blessed Thanksgiving burrito has been finished, I can move on and eat my salad of selfishness. 😀 No really. I have a salad on the table that I need to eat before the lettuce gets all weird. May your wallets and lacy underthings be intact after you rouse from your tryptophan induced comas.