Oh society, sometimes I wonder where your true desires lay.

From an OkCupid profile:

“You… Intelligent. Must have a job and be independent (aka please don’t live with your parents). Kids are okay, even preferred but not necessary. Liberal-minded. Not crazy religious. Practices good hygiene. Doesn’t wear pants below butt. Manly but with a sense of romance. Chivalrous: you’re a man, you take me out, you treat me like a lady.”

Damn. Lost me right after “must have a job”. I know, there’s some basic social instruction where we’re programmed that folks living with parents are an automatic flag that they’re lazy people who can’t take care of themselves and depend on their parents to survive. In the world of failing economies, record unemployment, and the basic fact that the cost of things continually increase while employee pay fails to keep up even in a remotely adequate way, it almost seems ridiculous to use that as a measuring stick anymore. The elderly in America are even more screwed in this, as that all the money they put into the Social Security system to “help when they’re older” just doesn’t cut it anymore (can you imagine working for 60 years of your life to get 1200 a month in “benefits” while Congress refuses Cost of Living Adjustments, while constantly increasing their pay for the same reasons?). 

Not everyone is “living with their parent/s” because they’re lazy. Some are doing it because they have kids and it’s the only way they can survive with a flailing job market and economy. Some are doing it because they’ve lost jobs or their homes and have no where else to turn. Then there’s another block, who are doing it because their parents are elderly and need the extra hand. It’s always been an “old timey” saying that you can tell the quality of the person by how they treat their parents, yet in modern “dating” we’ve seemed to make an effort to punish folks who show that family is important to them. 

Personally, I’m back home with my Dad because after being here helping my Dad take care of my mom in the final months of terminal cancer, I realized how much he needed me to be here. Even if it’s just to sit around to watch TV with him sometimes, or help with the bills since his various retirement money sources doesn’t cover the bills (even after having to declare bankruptcy at the age of 70). While it hurts sometimes and feels pretty insulting that someone would deem me as not worth their time because I opted to be here to take care of my mom towards the end of her life, and to be here to help take care of my dad in his later years, I can only say this to those who use it as a measuring stick: *YOU* are missing out on someone who would be right beside you “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do we part.” All because you mistake a notion of materialism as a sign that someone’s got possibility as a “quality” mate.

2 comments on “Oh society, sometimes I wonder where your true desires lay.

  1. Jill says:

    Oh darlin’, it seems you gave her words one thousand and one times more thought than they were ever worth, although if your post is to rant and/or educate the masses, it’s still worth it.

    What I took away from her request was “I am a human with limited experience, and what experience I do have has been pretty negative, so I’m close minded about stuff. Please be ok with that and preferably of a like mind about these issues because frankly, I do not wish to open my mental horizons or empathize with anyone outside of my box, I just don’t have the energy.”

    Your points are valid. My comment is offered as a reality check in case profiles like that hurt your heart to read.

    I’ve had friends tell me I should get on dating websites but I don’t because of that exact issue: I could easily list what I don’t want but find it hard to list what I do want. Not because I don’t know but because I’m terrified it might find me and I’m so not ready. I’m not ready to be ready. And unlike this seemingly judgmental poster, I am well the fuck aware of that schizm.

    Let’s go get a beer sometime, eh?

    • evilrobert says:

      For most of these, I’ve grown somewhat cold to the way that they segregate based on other people’s situations. It doesn’t bother me anymore, anymore that someone who rants about “You: No kids, because I don’t want your baby mama drama” like everyone that has kids has baby mama drama. Or baby mamas even.

      I had a conversation with someone else about the “I’m not ready” schism (I love that word, incidentally). It’s a dual edged sword, because on one had, no one wants to draw someone into the turbulence that is their life and possibly trash a good thing. On the other hand, the someone may be the stabilizer that helps them have the strength to get it together. Nothing says they’re going to take over and make everything better, but sometimes it’s just a pat on the hand with knowing someone’s got your back that helps.

      Beer is good, I’m quite a fan. Although, I apparently pay more attention to beer than I do comments sometimes.

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