Every sperm is sacred..

http://norfolk.craigslist.org/w4m/3294694255.html

Since they always invariably delete it before people can read it, once they realize how stupid it sounds, here’s the ad:

“DONOR

looking for a healthy male to help a couple conceive a child, Must be DDD Free,Must be able to prove it, Drama free, and attractive White, Or mixed preferred. Must Live In Newport News or Hampton and Independent(have your own place).Also must be avaliable in the mornings.Please Provide A Pic and why your interested and i will do the same i am not ugly:).Please keep your negative comments to yourself”

Somehow, I don’t think people who don’t understand genetics or how to use caps should be allowed to have babies. I mean, you really think the donor being “attractive” is really going to impact how the baby looks? You don’t actually give a fuck all if the donor’s intelligent, artistic, creative, none of that stuff that actually matters in mating. You just care that they’re attractive. You do realize that won’t mean anything anyways, once the world of Harrison Bergeron comes to fruition anyway right? What? You don’t know who that is? Vonnegut? Still not ringing any bells? Eeesh. Please don’t reproduce. This world doesn’t have more room for another Honey BooBoo. 

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When posting things for sale on Craigslist…..

I think that if someone actually had the patience to teach a course in “How to take pictures of things you’d like to get rid of on the Internet”, we’d be looking at a cash cow folks. Literally. We could hollow out a heifer and just stuff her full of the loot garnered from this venture.

So, my lovely friend Erin (who is well aware of my fascination with the horror that is CL) points this link out to me this morning. We’ll just assume that she was probably looking for a couch or some kind of furniture deal, since she did manage to flip a couch for a hundred or two in profit that she got off of CL because it wasn’t “as advertised” (note: when you say that it’s clean and it’s covered in animal smell, IT’S NOT CLEAN. Dirty whores.). The ad that was at the end of the link, however, shows several things not right with humans who post on CL.

This is “the offending link itself“.

“Practically brand new sectional, we bought it and found out it did not fit in our living room. We already have other couches. I am asking 300$ for it. Let me know. “

It reads well. So you bought it, it didn’t fit in your living room (which I mean. It’s a sectional. I know math is a declining skill in America these days, but you couldn’t work it out at ALL?), and now you’re trying to off load it. That could be a deal for me. Sweet.

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Well uh. Points on the panorama shot bro. Good thinking ahead for me, so I could get the “full view” of the complete piece. But something just doesn’t seem assembled correctly. Or, could it possibly be the fact you COULDN’T BOTHER TO CLEAN UP BEFORE TAKING PICTURES?? I mean honestly. Oh wait, you included better close up shots of this couch after being introduced into it’s “natural habitat”? Wow, thanks for that.

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Is that a Christmas tree? Are you kidding me? I appreciate your desire to carry the Yule spirit year round. That’s awesome and we really should love each other all the time like we do every December 25. However, it has a box, and it comes apart. You don’t need to just tip it over at the New Year’s Eve rager you throw every year and just leave it where it falls. Props on safety first as well. I notice that you made sure your fake tree was safely seated in the baby seat, and that takes a special sense of “usin’ the old noggin’”. I only hope that your baby is not firmly stuck in the stand that the tree used to occupy. That may be difficult to explain when someone comes to pick up the couch. (This couch also doubles as a coat rack, and a snowboard stand. It serves a THOUSAND purposes!)

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Part of me wants to ask what were you thinking, this couch with that grape juice colored carpet. That’s all your aesthetic though, so I respect that. Could you AT LEAST have gotten your dirty clothes off of my potential new couch? Hoping that you would clean up your random papers and throw away what looks like a Taco Bell sauce pack is a little bit too much, I know. Maybe taken the pillow off as well, although I do dig how it matches your wall color sorta.

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Oh, wow! You just threw the pillow on the floor so I could get a better view of the worn cushion! I appreciate that even doing that, seeing how you left the sauce pack looking refuse in place for integrity. But do I get the yellow thing that’s creeping out from behind the couch too? Or are you going to want to hold onto that?

I would think that if I’m going to try to get $300 out of someone for this clearly not “almost new” couch, that I would put in some effort to clean and make it look nice, including the environment it’s in. This poster might as well have left the fat, sweaty guy laying naked on the couch with a bag of Funyons in one hand while he wiped the other hand on the side between sections.

This is truly, truly, an example of how society has degraded folks. I so hope this is the worst of it today.

Oh society, sometimes I wonder where your true desires lay.

From an OkCupid profile:

“You… Intelligent. Must have a job and be independent (aka please don’t live with your parents). Kids are okay, even preferred but not necessary. Liberal-minded. Not crazy religious. Practices good hygiene. Doesn’t wear pants below butt. Manly but with a sense of romance. Chivalrous: you’re a man, you take me out, you treat me like a lady.”

Damn. Lost me right after “must have a job”. I know, there’s some basic social instruction where we’re programmed that folks living with parents are an automatic flag that they’re lazy people who can’t take care of themselves and depend on their parents to survive. In the world of failing economies, record unemployment, and the basic fact that the cost of things continually increase while employee pay fails to keep up even in a remotely adequate way, it almost seems ridiculous to use that as a measuring stick anymore. The elderly in America are even more screwed in this, as that all the money they put into the Social Security system to “help when they’re older” just doesn’t cut it anymore (can you imagine working for 60 years of your life to get 1200 a month in “benefits” while Congress refuses Cost of Living Adjustments, while constantly increasing their pay for the same reasons?). 

Not everyone is “living with their parent/s” because they’re lazy. Some are doing it because they have kids and it’s the only way they can survive with a flailing job market and economy. Some are doing it because they’ve lost jobs or their homes and have no where else to turn. Then there’s another block, who are doing it because their parents are elderly and need the extra hand. It’s always been an “old timey” saying that you can tell the quality of the person by how they treat their parents, yet in modern “dating” we’ve seemed to make an effort to punish folks who show that family is important to them. 

Personally, I’m back home with my Dad because after being here helping my Dad take care of my mom in the final months of terminal cancer, I realized how much he needed me to be here. Even if it’s just to sit around to watch TV with him sometimes, or help with the bills since his various retirement money sources doesn’t cover the bills (even after having to declare bankruptcy at the age of 70). While it hurts sometimes and feels pretty insulting that someone would deem me as not worth their time because I opted to be here to take care of my mom towards the end of her life, and to be here to help take care of my dad in his later years, I can only say this to those who use it as a measuring stick: *YOU* are missing out on someone who would be right beside you “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do we part.” All because you mistake a notion of materialism as a sign that someone’s got possibility as a “quality” mate.

The “Real” woman of CL who doesn’t BS. (No really, it’s gotta be a fairy tale.)

Dear lady who wrote the following ad on CL;

Real men randomly do read Craigslist. However, as that we’re familiar with the fact that women posting on it generally do “bs” as you so eloquently put it; we’re opting to ignore your idiotic goading. Remember, the “real man” you claim you want is going to smell the fact that you may be a bit of a bully from miles away. ;)

Also, demanding a picture or you’re going to delete their email and not answer: also BS.

Amusingly not yours…

PS. Never claim to be intelligent when you aren’t exhibiting some spot on use of English. “For real” is not one word, “open- minded” seems to be a little gappy there, and really. Intelligent people *ALWAYS* know that the folks who cry about “no drama” are usually so full of drama it’s overflowing into the surrounding counties. xoxo.

Tradition is dead, are there ‘real’ men who don’t bs on CL – 26 (Norfolk)

“Some of the guys on here are bullshit forreal and like to play games way too much!! To be real honest attraction is a must!! I don’t play games, let me repeat, ‘don’t play games’ and I don’t do drama. I am currently seperated and have a child so if you don’t like kids click back. I just want someone to hang out with, go out with on occasion and see where else it may lead to. I am attractive, intelligent and like to have fun. I’m very open- minded and like to try new things. YOUR PIC GETS MINE, NO PIC NO RESPONSE…”

Sloppy drunk and dance in the streets you say? Sign me up!

I totally thing I’ve found the best idea for a first date, upon reading profiles on a dating site:

Let’s keep it fun::Meet for a drink, get sloppy drunk and dance in the middle of a street somewhere and collect tips from strangers…lol…ok i probably wouldn’t do that but it sounds fun right?? haha..

Actually ; this lady presents a brilliant and fun first date. I mean, honestly, if you’re drunk dancing in the streets with a person that this is your first time going out with them, you’re probably going to actually want to see them again because of the ridiculous amount of fun you had.

Someone line up women who think that’s a brilliant idea for me. I think I just found my ultimate criteria.Image

Squirrels don’t hire escorts. At least I don’t think they do.

It never ceases to amaze me, when I read an ad where someone talks about how they want to meet a guy who treats them nice, will take them out on a proper date, and blah blah blah. Honestly ladies, you already know these dudes. When you meet them, you think they’re nice guys and they’re really sweet, but you end up blowing them off (or fail to even take them seriously) for some douchebag that barely remembers your name after hearing 30 people say “HI (insert your name here)!”. Yes, it’s super amazing that he remembers the name of that blonde bimbo at the bar with her rack hanging out who slurred her name out drunkenly. Utterly stupendous.

The other side of this, is that it almost sounds like you’re saying “Spend money on me, peck me on the cheek, and get the hell out of dodge.” As Kayne would tell you; that means you’re a gold digger.  No really, it’s true. You’re not setting boundaries (like “Let’s go out and play it by ear.”, so we at least have the impression that there may be something more than a cold and sad peck on the cheek), you’re just outright “Take me out, buy me stuff, then take me home.” Not even the sit in the car and talk looking out at something pleasant, or walking, or something like that.

“I wonder if there is a man out there can take me on a date Without sex being brought up just take me out and show me a good time take me out show me a good time then bring me back home kiss me on my check and say good night Or is all men honestly worry about when they are going to get the next slice of booty I’m shy at first but warm up quickly so if you like to talk put in the title I Take you on a date Photo for a photo God bless”

Clearly, there’s signs here.

 1. Clearly, I don’t believe I’d have a preference for just a “slice of booty”. Quite frankly,  it’s the whole booty or nothing. Unless you have a cake shaped like your booty, and for some reason want to bring that on a date with you. Then, we’ll have to talk about the type of cake and frosting before I even contemplate the quantity of booty I’d like to have.

2. “Kiss me on the check” …. Seriously? I have to pay for the entire date, PLUS write you a check and kiss it? There’s some serious social issues going on here. Where I come from, this kind of behavior is often referred to as being an “escort”. And let’s admit it, you’re really not the escort caliber here ma’am.

3.  “Without sex being brought up and show me a good time” .. So at no point at all is any innuendo at all permissable, else it won’t be considered a “good time”. Come on, even the real high end escorts allow a little verbal innuendo that borders on the end of cerebreal foreplay. Man, I knew I shouldn’t be looking at Craigslist for an escort. Wait.

I should really go back to watching the squirrels have their romance outside my office window. Clearly they have a better understanding of dating and relationships.