Sloppy drunk and dance in the streets you say? Sign me up!

I totally thing I’ve found the best idea for a first date, upon reading profiles on a dating site:

Let’s keep it fun::Meet for a drink, get sloppy drunk and dance in the middle of a street somewhere and collect tips from strangers…lol…ok i probably wouldn’t do that but it sounds fun right?? haha..

Actually ; this lady presents a brilliant and fun first date. I mean, honestly, if you’re drunk dancing in the streets with a person that this is your first time going out with them, you’re probably going to actually want to see them again because of the ridiculous amount of fun you had.

Someone line up women who think that’s a brilliant idea for me. I think I just found my ultimate criteria.

Squirrels don’t hire escorts. At least I don’t think they do.

It never ceases to amaze me, when I read an ad where someone talks about how they want to meet a guy who treats them nice, will take them out on a proper date, and blah blah blah. Honestly ladies, you already know these dudes. When you meet them, you think they’re nice guys and they’re really sweet, but you end up blowing them off (or fail to even take them seriously) for some douchebag that barely remembers your name after hearing 30 people say “HI (insert your name here)!”. Yes, it’s super amazing that he remembers the name of that blonde bimbo at the bar with her rack hanging out who slurred her name out drunkenly. Utterly stupendous.

The other side of this, is that it almost sounds like you’re saying “Spend money on me, peck me on the cheek, and get the hell out of dodge.” As Kayne would tell you; that means you’re a gold digger.  No really, it’s true. You’re not setting boundaries (like “Let’s go out and play it by ear.”, so we at least have the impression that there may be something more than a cold and sad peck on the cheek), you’re just outright “Take me out, buy me stuff, then take me home.” Not even the sit in the car and talk looking out at something pleasant, or walking, or something like that.

“I wonder if there is a man out there can take me on a date Without sex being brought up just take me out and show me a good time take me out show me a good time then bring me back home kiss me on my check and say good night Or is all men honestly worry about when they are going to get the next slice of booty I’m shy at first but warm up quickly so if you like to talk put in the title I Take you on a date Photo for a photo God bless”

Clearly, there’s signs here.

 1. Clearly, I don’t believe I’d have a preference for just a “slice of booty”. Quite frankly,  it’s the whole booty or nothing. Unless you have a cake shaped like your booty, and for some reason want to bring that on a date with you. Then, we’ll have to talk about the type of cake and frosting before I even contemplate the quantity of booty I’d like to have.

2. “Kiss me on the check” …. Seriously? I have to pay for the entire date, PLUS write you a check and kiss it? There’s some serious social issues going on here. Where I come from, this kind of behavior is often referred to as being an “escort”. And let’s admit it, you’re really not the escort caliber here ma’am.

3.  “Without sex being brought up and show me a good time” .. So at no point at all is any innuendo at all permissable, else it won’t be considered a “good time”. Come on, even the real high end escorts allow a little verbal innuendo that borders on the end of cerebreal foreplay. Man, I knew I shouldn’t be looking at Craigslist for an escort. Wait.

I should really go back to watching the squirrels have their romance outside my office window. Clearly they have a better understanding of dating and relationships.

As seen on Craigslist…

I really wonder what people are thinking when they write ads. Are they trying to be really funny, making an attempt to be interesting, or are they really as… hm… “special” as they seem to be? It scares me really, being a single white male (and single parent) hoping to find someone to grow old with and move the remote control from where they left it last as the Alzheimer’s sets in.

“Wanna play Cops and Robbers?”

“I want to date a cop, only thing I wanna steel is his heart. If you’re a cop or have a uniform…send a picture. No pic, no reply.”

This is where I have to stop and ask myself. Would a cop actually want a woman who apparently wants to run a sword through him? That’s what steeling his heart means right?  This whole cop or have a uniform part also.. I’m not a cop, but I have various uniforms. I could probably get my hands on a pizza delivery driver’s uniform too, or was there a specific uniform requirement? Show up as a plumber and offer to unclog your pipes? I mean, since you’re obviously a classy woman after all. Steeling things and whatnot.

  I see you eyeballin’ how big my plunger is.

“Starting to wonder if I should stay single?

“Tired of meeting guys who say they don’t do drama but then I find out different, I am looking for a working, loyal, romantic, drama free MAN, I like sports, some movies, cuddling on the couch or just riding out with no destination enjoying the sites “

Short answer, yes. Women and men alike know that in general, anyone who says they don’t do drama, usually generate an exorbitant amount of it. Which, I’m gonna draw a parallel to people who insist on telling me that unicorns don’t exist. While they keep telling me that they don’t, you can be sure if they saw a shiny magical unicorn meandering past, they’d sure stop and try to get a look at it. Which, is just like folks who “don’t do drama”. It seems no matter how much you say you’ll have nothing to do with it, when it’s present you’re going to throw yourself at it.

I am both drama and a unicorn! Fear me!

 

With this lovely image to tide you over, I’ll skip commentary on some guy in his 50′s posting looking for “a younger lady, preferably 20-30 years younger”. Really Gramps, knock that off. It’s kinda disgusting, all the hair and wrinkles in weird places. Just stop.

“Attractive Lady” … Say what?

(Ad from CL. I must need glasses or something. Not to be a catty bitch, but seriously?)

I am a attractive 46 year old Lady that is seeking fwb
No head games/no liars!
Looking for-
White man for fwb/nothing serious/must be 50-60 yrs.old/divorced/single or widowed
NO MARRIED MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Serious replies only please
I’m no barbie/lots to love and appreciate!

I strongly dislike prop planes. Somehow turbulence seems even worse.

Somehow turbulence seems even worse. The view from my seat..

No wonder women lose hope for decent guys.

So despite my last commentary being about how the ladies are advertising for that prospective mate online, I decided it’d probably be more fun to go after some of these ads by the men. I admit it. When it comes to selling ourselves, we’re really not good at it at all. Honestly, we’re men. We can ruin a sure deal even after one of you women tell us “Just shut up for the rest of the night, and I’ll go home with you”. It’s not a lack of interest or that we’re that spiteful. We’re really just dumb at least 75% of the time. With that said, let’s get onto the entertainment du jour.

Yes, yes we are from time to time.

Spelling….

Seriously, it’s important. It’s wonderful that you believe yourself to be Thugnificient, but unless you’re intending on attracting a woman who doesn’t really care about actually, oh, using English or actually being able to communicate how she feels, your lack of effort isn’t going to win any hearts. I don’t even have to give examples of this. If you’re looking for a woman to get to know, remind yourself that WOMAN is singular. Women, is plural. Don’t be a moron and say “I’m looking for a women to wine and dine”. Either you’re a polygamist, or you’re just dumb. Yes, they DO notice this slip up. Unless you’re some super hot looking guy, and well. They’re not chasing after you for your amazing intelligence buddy boy, you’ll get away with it for a while before they finally get tired of those text messages that say Your on my mind today baby.

I’d also like to combine PUNCTUATION into spelling. If you type in one long run on sentence, it can only be assumed you talk like that. Not sexy. Kind of annoying really. I know a few people like that, and I sometimes think about shooting them in the face. I can only imagine how a woman would feel.   Oh, hi. You’d like to get into my pants for the next few years on a regular basis? That’s awesome, but do you plan on talking nonstop for the duration, because I really don’t think I’m going to be able to get an orgasm if you can’t shut up.

Attitude…

There’s a serious. Serious. SERIOUS error in judgement us dudes make, where we mistake the concepts of “confidence” with being a douchebag. It’s really true. Women dig a guy with a confident swagger. They don’t really want to be with a man who doubts himself or has the authoritative qualities of a dead fish. At the same time, however, that doesn’t say it’s okay for you to be an obnoxious idiot and act like they should be grateful they’ve been given the time of day. That includes providing a critical critique of “other dudes that have been in their life” or trying to be snarky and cut them down because you’re not meeting their standards. That INCLUDES the ad you write. This example I give, completely encapsulates this angle. Granted, some women with low self esteem and have trouble standing up for themselves would probably throw themselves at a guy with this kind of bad attitude; but a woman with some self respect may try to run you down 5 minutes after meeting you. (Also, it makes you look like you’re repulsive, since why else would someone turn away such a prize catch? *scoffs*)

“Do you have any idea how many real, good guys have been turned away because they are never given a chance? Most of you are saying you want someone to treat you right, care for you, love you, all the good stuff…but when someone comes along that would probably do all that, you turn him down because hes “not your type”…most women dream of winding up with brad pitt or denzel or some super hott model dude like that…thats all well and good…but does looking like that mean hes going to “treat you right, care for you, etc”? No it doesnt. Mix it up, give the average everyday guy a chance, you might be amazed. Hell, if you are lucky you might find that perfect sensitive gorgeous guy that has it all…but odds are against it. Having a “dream guy” that is nothing but a face to look at is just like having a ferrari without an engine, its great to look at, but what the hell can it do? Girls don’t want to settle for anything less than perfect….guys are the same way….vanity is screwing up the world! Open your eyes, interact with ANYONE and EVERYONE that puts the effort out to approach and talk to you without bias, and you could be in for the time of your life. You truely have nothing to lose. If you have an open mind, and are really willing to take a chance and get to know the person, then please send me a message.”

Dude, if I were a woman, I would start a campaign to tell every woman I can get in touch with to avoid you. If we were to make you the ruler of an empire, you’d be hailed as Emperor Douche, of the land of Bag.

Pictures?

Pictures are always good. The ladies kind of enjoy getting to see what the wrapping around your brain pan looks like. Granted, they are a bit visual, so it helps a majority of the ladies. Do you really think that picture of you in the bathroom flexing with no shirt on is going to have them flood your inbox? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some women are into guys with bird chests. Twee twee son, and chirp loud. Just save that for the second or third email where you’ve asked her to send you nudes apparently. Remember, give them something to imagine. Nothing says mystery and possible excitement like CLOTHES. Now, even though I’ve said it’s okay to keep your clothes on in your pictures, that doesn’t mean wear that button down short sleeve shirt that has some scene from Dragonball Z in all it’s technicolor glory. Find your balance between whimsical and adult; just don’t dive straight into “Yo, I’m down with Pokemon girl, you wanna be my Wartortle?” … I’m pretty sure unless you’re hitting on 15 year old girls, that may not work out too well.  Lastly, refrain from posting pictures of animals, flowers, something “classy” that’s not you, or yourself making a dumbass face (refer to Red above on this one, dumbass). I know you’re dying for examples, dear reader. In fact, mouse over the picture for the “What’s wrong here” assessment.

Like Bowie said; Happiness is happening, the dragons have been bled. Gentleness is everywhere, fear’s just in your head.

Stop being something you’re not, be happy, and don’t be afraid to be yourself.

Creeps be creepin’ yo.

Creeps be creepin’ yo.

This is the kind of ad you shouldn’t write. Don’t tell other people to not be creepy, when your ad is a slight bit creepster.

Craigslist makes me want to stab my eyeballs out.

So, I’ve been trying to work through this blockage that came after I wrote this super amazing intro to a submitted piece about Craigslist (hereafter infrequently referred to as CL) ads for a local online slash monthly print publication by reading a lot of personal ads. I swear I’m on like number 500 in the past month, and I really feel an absolute lack of hope for some of these ladies. That’s despite the fact that I know there’s literally TONS of single guys out there who apparently aren’t trolling Craigslist for a meaningful relationship. So I figured I needed to do an analysis of these ads and why they fail in my mind.

Ads that include the words “which will hopefully turn into more”

Hi. I don’t know if you’re actually aware of this, or just maybe confused how it works, but you’re posting in W4M. There are sections for Platonic Relationships, and “Casual Encounters” on here too, so you don’t actually have to elucidate that you’re looking to meet someone that will “hopefully turn into more”. I already made that assumption. It actually makes you look a little needy now that I think about it. Am I going to have to tell you that the skirt you’re wearing out to dinner with me doesn’t make your butt look huge? Because I’m totally not that guy. I may instead break out with Sir Mix-A-Lot and begin to inform you that I like them “real big and juicy”. How’s that to start a date off? “Gimme a piece of dat bubble, girl!” Yea, I didn’t think so either.

One liners, as in, your entire ad is one line.

I know that it’s a common misconception that us menfolk who read things on the internet have a short attention span. We really don’t, but things that are unnecessarily boring make us click the back button quickly. It’s true. I’m even going to give the class an example of one of these “one line” fails.

“I want a man that has nothing to hide and who is looking for a ltr….please send a pic or no email back….please be old fashion and know how to treat a lady “ 

This is a straight copy/paste from the ad. We all can already tell that the English usage here killed me. Let’s move past that though. This is a single, solitary line across the screen when viewed on CL. It kind of depresses me to read it, to be honest about it. It makes me feel bored. Literally bored. Like I’m thinking about taking up cross stitch after reading your ad, because I’m *THAT* bored afterwards. You didn’t tell me anything at all about yourself that will even make me think about replying to you. I’m to assume by this lack of information about you, that you hate music, you probably dislike going to the movies, your book reading is limited to whatever’s in the checkout aisle at the grocery store, and that’s even if you like food. You probably don’t do you? You chew on cardboard or something. Ugh. Dullllllllll. Next time, save me the energy expended by clicking and WRITE something about yourself. Even if it’s just “I like the color yellow”. I’d have to stop and go “wow, that’s kind of interesting that she put that out there. Yellow. Hm.”. I might even e-mail you about that just because it stood out.

Ad titles are the primary reason any guy will click to read your ad.

Unless he’s me, and he’s into a lot of really painful mental self punishment, a guy isn’t going to click on your ad unless you’ve got an interesting ad title. While your title may sound “to the point”, think about how it’s worded. Here’s an example:

Professional BBW seeking Love

I know what you’re thinking.. It’s not that bad. I’d agree, except when I read it, it read as “Professional BBW, seeking love”. How on earth does one become a professional BBW? Is it healthy to be one, or does it just kind of happen? Oh. Wait. You meant you’re in a professional career and you’re throwing out right off the top that you’re a BBW? Whew. I was concerned for a minute. It’s not really that interesting now that I’ve clicked past it. I know the initial instinct is to put it out there right off the top, but avoid that. “Professional fun lady seeking love and more” may just get a little more mileage out of your need to let me know that you ARE a professional (at something) (lord knows what) (I’m not going to wake up in a ditch again am I? Oh God no.).

Demanding a picture first when you didn’t post one to start with.

Seriously? Are you on drugs? You posted this ad, I clicked it and decided that I wanted to step out and respond to it, and you demand that I send a picture with my reply to your ad or you’ll ignore it? Wow. Maybe I just shouldn’t respond to your ad period, since I mean, there’s obviously some sort of issue here. What if you like my picture and I don’t like what I get back? It all comes down to, if you want me to send you a picture when I reply to your ad, you should post one. There’s no point in playing this coy “Oh, my co-workers might see my ad” game. If they did, then you can joke them back for being on CL looking for a woman, right? It totally boils down to that you’re kind of being a b**** if you wrote the ad and you refuse to reply to responses until they send you their picture. No, there’s no excuse. You and Kyle’s mom = big fat b****es. There’s no valid denial here.

I believe I’m going to call this at part one. There’s SOOOOO many other issues with women’s ads, that I don’t think I could do it in one sitting. Don’t worry, I’m cracking on men’s ads afterwards.

Dating sites: a pool for the uneducated?

From time to time, I try to act like I’m not some super elitist douche-bag who’s super anal retentive about spelling. Honestly, I do. It never fails though, because I can’t find any valid excuse for poor spelling, particularly in a day and age where I think just about everything has spell check. I mean *everything*. Even my cell phone tries to correct my spelling when it’s right, so what’s the problem here?

So I get a random email on one of the “free” dating sites today. Now, I know immediately that I’m far from a prize catch on the physical level. I’m tall, I’m overweight, I don’t fit into theater seats well, yada yada. I know that my physical aspect is a great hindrance to my dating life, so clearly I have to keep up my game on the emotional and intellectual sides. With any luck, I don’t do a bad job at this, as that I know rather factually that there are persons in this world who like me in a way that at another point in time I would likely get to surrender my mayorship of Friend-town (that’s an entirely other conversation). Yet I’m left to wonder, why don’t other people know this? Is it a mystery of life, is it some form of magic that rivals how magnets work, or what?

Back to that email. The first thing I do, is check out the profile of the person emailing. I mean, just on general principle, I like to know what they think I should know about themselves before I read their riveting message that will make me want to hang out with them. This profile alone makes me cringe. The lady’s not entirely repulsive, but probably on the edge of “haven’t lived an easy life and possibly partied a little too hard in my 20′s”.

FIRST FAIL: On several instances they refer to themselves as “a women“. Okay. I get the ego thing, but at no point in time should you refer to yourself in the plural context UNLESS you have MPD, and all of your dis-associative personalities are female (not to be offensive to women who legitimately have MPD, because sometimes it’s kind of hot to have that change mid-coitus).

SECOND FAIL: Then, I read this line: “I am a tom boy but can all so be sexy when put in right mood.”

*Instantly* I cannot read anymore. This is more painful that the time I accidentally stapled myself in the palm of my hand (Ok, look, I was 14, it wasn’t so accidental, but I was curious. Leave me alone!) or that one time I drank the cup of tequila at the San Antonio Sam’s empty the bar night before they closed. What on Earth is happening here? It’s ALSO for the love of all that is merciful and holy in this world. I’ll not even address the mental stimuli created that apparently you hang out in overalls in a rather unattractive fashion, and have to be “put into the mood” to look sexy. Are you implying that I’d have to do all the work to get you into something cute? Do I need to take a day off of work to help facilitate that happening or something?

THIRD FAIL: So, I quickly go back to the inbox just to see the message that was sent.

“we have a lot in common, would love to chat, I am a curvy women with a good sence of humer. I hope you answer.”

There I sit, slack jawed, attempting to read this. There you go again with the damned plurals. You’re really scaring me here with this insistence to say you’re more than one woman. Can you just come out and say you’re a horde of women? Or perhaps you’re a gaggle of ladies? I already noticed in your description that you included that you were a “plus sized women“. I’m still not sure if you’re more than one plus sized woman or what. I also don’t understand what “humer” is. Are you referring to the bone in your upper arm? Is it some witty way of saying you have a good idea of what getting boned is all about? Please, explain this. I don’t want to feel obligated to reply to you out of trying to be decent, only for you to try to hit me with a bone. Worse yet, I don’t want to misunderstand this and you take offense at my not knowing that you were making a sexual overtone with the whole “boning” reference, however obscure it may have been.

Worse yet, I don’t understand how we can have anything in common. I mean, not to be prickish, but we would probably have very little in common. My profile has four paragraphs of fully functional English words, describing myself, a snit of my life, and shows my sense of humor quite well. I even went into a slight discourse about the whole concept of a “first date”. You’re clearly more Nascar and fishing, while I’m more classic movies and reading. I know I should just say “Hi, how are you?” back just to validate your step out of the box to try and talk to a guy, because I know how it feels to put yourself out there just to get nothing in return. I could completely be weird about it and say “Hi, how are you?” and go into a rousing tale of how I’m here still because I’ve just had an account here forever, no one ever ends up with me because I’m just THAT AWESOME of a friend, and I’d likely just end up ruling your friend-town with an iron fist. Then I could throw in some truth by explaining how I’m actually insanely in love with someone else who cares about me, but can’t be in love with me right now, so I’m here biding time until the sweet baby Jesus comes down from the heavens and makes her aware that she want to be, and can be in love with me. At least she would have a response and a conversation to have, right?

Instead, I just click back to my inbox, because I really don’t think I can have a conversation with someone who can’t spell humor.  

4G in a Nutshell

One of the biggest points of discomfort when it comes to wireless products is that once you’ve got the hardware you want and download all of the apps that you use daily, it’s obsolete. There’s always a newer model of your phone, newer features, newer apps, etc.. It never ends really does it?

The newest part of the wireless technology swirl that’s already doing it’s best to confuse people, is the new so-called “4G” service. Everybody wants faster data transfer, faster messaging, faster everything really, because a technological driven society *demands* speed. Unfortunately for us, the consumers, this drive has led some companies to brand their latest and greatest technologies as something flashy, instead of coming up with a better name for it.

For starters, 4G as classified by the ITU-R (that’s International Telecommunication Union – Radiocommunication Sector for those not excited by acronyms), is a wireless standard that runs at ultra-broadband speeds and provides a secure all-IP based solution. It sounds like too much tech mumbo jumbo, right? Let’s make it a little easier.

4G is the fourth generation of cellular wireless standards. To be real 4G, data transfer has to be done at 1 gigabit per second. That’s almost 10 times faster than Sprint’s current “4G” product. The evolution of these standards started at the old boxy cell phone in a bag from the 80’s and right now stops somewhere around the HTC Evo that Sprint hasn’t been able to keep in stock. The truth be told, we’re not really in a 4G world yet. I know you’re asking “But I’ve seen that in the commercial. What do you mean this isn’t 4G?” We’re actually in a transitional stage when it comes to wireless signal and speed. Sprint’s advertised “4G” is using a technology called Mobile WiMAX to boost speeds. T-Mobile’s recent announcement of “4G” is really a transition to something called HSPA+ (evolved high speed packet access). T-Mobile’s actually running what’s called 3.8G, while Sprint’s technology is considered to be an “other” 3G transition format.

The basic concept of WiMAX is it’s really just a big wireless network that covers an area. Back during Hurricane Katrina’s aftermath, Intel donated WiMAX hardware to help out the FCC and FEMA so they could maintain their communications over a really big area that had no working phones. So the speed burst is easy to understand, because your WiMAX phone is just hooking up to a giant wireless network, and then pushing data around like your laptop does. It’s clocked around 128 megabits per second, but that’s only when you’re in an area that has WiMAX. Which honestly, is a very small part of the American wireless market (Hampton Roads has no “4G” coverage from Sprint because there is no WiMAX deployment in the area).

HSPA+ gets a little bit more complicated, but it can flex up to 56 megabits per second on download, with 22 megabits per second on uploads. The upshot to HSPA+ over WiMAX, is that it runs over the wireless cell network. There’s not an additional hardware requirement to deploy a wide area wireless network, but it also brings the ability to give each device attached to the cell network its own IP address. IP addressing is important as we move into a more digital world and our different ways of accessing networks get more sophisticated. It also means better call quality by using voice over IP, better video quality on your phone, and improvements in more aspects of your cell phone experience.

I know, you’re thinking they both sound great. Faster speeds, better quality of service, what’s wrong with this picture?  The problem is that these speeds are all theoretical. They only exist in labs under optimal conditions. It’s like that sticker on your car that said it got 26 MPG/City, and you still can’t figure out why you’re getting gas twice a week and it’s only 10 miles to work round trip. Another major issue is going to be your service when you’re not in an area that has HSPA+ or WiMAX. More than likely, you’ll be thrown back into a slower speed mode, which makes you wonder why you shelled out the big bucks in the first place for “4G”.

The dawn of real 4G will come with the deployment of either LTE (Long Term Evolution) Advanced or WiMAX 2, both of which have been deemed worthy by meeting the requirements set forth by the ITU-R. Depending on how the release of the LTE standard (3.9G) goes, we could realistically see true 1 gigabit per second transfer rates and more by 2012. For now though, it’s jump on the 3.8G/other bandwagon, or wait until everything settles down.

Rob Waters is an Information Systems and Communications coordinator for an automotive parts manufacturer in Hampton Roads. While he hasn’t maintained a website since the bust of the dot com bubble, you can follow him on Twitter as @evilrobert

 

(contributed to the DP)